Preserving Relationships

Door bell rang when I was doing some work that afternoon. It was my neighbour who came along with her son, who is Vishnu's classmate. She informed me that Vishnu has hit her son and he is hurt, and that he has been fighting with him from quite sometime. Embarrassment is a small word which I felt at that time. I hugged the boy and apologized on Vishnu's behalf and promised him that Vishnu will apologize. Loads of gyan were given to Vishnu from each of the family member, that no matter what, one should never hurt the other person. He did apologize and did promise that he will not do it again. Week later, these two boys are now best of the friends, playing for hours together now. Now I asked this boy, " Is Vishnu still being mean to you? " He innocently lovingly replied, "aunty wo tho kabhi pareshan nahi karta mujhe... Us dinn tho sirf dhakka diya tha.. Galti se main gir gaya! " (Aunty, he is never mean to me. He pushed a little that day, and I fell off) . I laughed at the innocence and the cuteness with which he said it. Kids forgive and forget so easily. That's the beauty of childhood. 

Reflecting on these things, I realized, that as we grow old, we keep teing the knots in our hearts for things we feel offensive about. Kids have this "forgive" feature naturally, and we adults should consciously try to build that feature.  In this post, I will try to explain how we can consciously try to build it. 

The base of any good relationship is positivity, consistent communication and transparency apart from love which is a key ingredient. If any of these three arms is fractured, it is always possible to heal the relationship. There is always an alternative to breaking the relationship. We all must have gone through these scenarios. We are living in a world where we are not really good collectively at handling disagreements, talking about the hurt. We don't talk about forgiveness and we don't give chance to make mends in relationships. 

How do we make an attempt to save a relationship? 

Firstly, however hard it may sound, try to consciously build a LOT of compassion for that person and say to yourself "I know how it must have felt to them! Sometimes we take things too personally. Whatever they did or said is their narrative and it's their lens through which  they are seeing things. I never intended to hurt them (if they are hurt) or they perhaps never intended to hurt me(if you are hurt) ". So move out of defensiveness and build compassion. 

Secondly, reach out to them. Reaching out to make mends is a sign that you value the relationship. If you are the one who hurt the other person, apologize. You can keep the ego aside, give them the time they need and say that the doors are open from your side, acknowledging and communicating that whatever happened,  I still want to mend , I am still  here and I still believe that it can be repaired if you are willing to make it happen. They might not want to talk to you.  Respect their process and just be around to invite them to engage or participate in other conversations if they don't want to participate in that "big" conversations. Never shut the door. 

Build bridges not walls - Even if it doesn't work out the way you would want -you have built a bridge by saying that "This relationship means a lot to me and that if you are ever willing, I am here to rebuild the trust". In the end, if they have shut the doors from their end , the closure will still feel better in a way that you will feel that dignity, you showed up and you were willing to and are willing to. 

Remind yourself of the emotional investment that you have done before breaking it up. 

Cooking the uncooked!

My mom always had the constant fear of how this lazy girl will manage after marriage. "What will you cook and how will you, if you don't practice it from now??". I argued with her that cooking is not any rocket science... all the recipes are a click away in youtube...

Post marriage, life was easy with cooking (thanks to joint family).. I always had a guide to ask.. "Bhabhi, kitna pani?, kitna namak? Shall I switch off the stove now?".
And I was feeling.. "Look! How simple it was! You just need the steps.. and anyone can become chef!! :p"

The day soon came when I had to make food all by myself when both my Mother-in-law and Sis-in-law were away.  Woke up with the thought that will make rajma for tonight. Read newspaper leisurely. Took bread and butter,while munching it, watched the video on youtube on how to prepare rajma... "That was simpler than I thought", I thought. While going towards kitchen thought "Itni bhi kya jaldi hai... let me talk to sis". While talking to her, she told me rajma recipe without asking for it.. I said "yes I know.. I just saw it in youtube" with heights of over confidence. After the call, kept the soaked rajma in pressure cooker to boil. Kept on waiting for whistle. "What's wrong! Why the hell it is not giving whistle... anyways let me prepare the curry while it gets boiled". My curry was prepared, but the bloody cooker didn't give whistle. Somethings smelling wrong, I thought. House maid came at that moment and she helped me open the cooker..! "CRAP!" , its all burnt!!! :( tears were almost at the edge of the eyelids... "Rajma..." I sighed. Maid told me not to worry and rajma can be prepared without having the need to soak it overnight. Somehow, prepared rajma with assistance of the maid.... and that night thankfully everyone had hearty meal.

After more than a year now, I still am learning and now have realized that cooking and other works for that matter are not as easy as searching in google. Yes, cooking is not rocket science.. but needs practice.
Knowledge these days is click away in your mobiles... application is important. Without practice, knowledge goes useless.. and it is with practice and experience that you achieve things in life. So... my friends out there, who have the illusion that "they have good knowledge, have read many books, know about many things, are intellects, so on and so forth.." , Please take a pause! and understand that KNOWING is different from DOING , else you too will have the burnt rajmas to make you realise this. :) :p

Copy - Paste "Anyway"

Just happened to read this poem by Mother Teresa while surfing. Felt the need to share it... :)  

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.



My readers may say that it is not an "Original post",  "Copy-paste" anyway... ;) 

Complex Equations...

Remember the complex numbers in Mathematics??? The numbers which have real and imaginary part (a+bi). The methods for solving complex equations generally depend on the type of equation, both the kind of expressions in the equation and the kind of values that may be assumed by the unknowns/variables. 

Wait wait wait.... Before you stop reading further thinking that it a blog on complex equations of Maths, let me tell you that I'm not an ardent fan of Mathematics and this is surely not a mathematical blog... Its just that the general concepts that we learned in school seem fascinating when we relate it to our day to day life and understanding. 

Our life too is complex.. isn't it?? It too has both the real and imaginary part. REAL part can be understood as the GOAL, the purpose of our life and imaginary part--- perhaps, the emotions attached.. Maya as we say...

Life is simple or complex was the question in my mind. Many great people have said that Life is simple. 

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” - Confucious.

"Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing." - Oscar Wilde

I agreed to the quotes to much extent... But, when I think about it from another angle, I get the answer - Life is complex. How can life be simple?? God made such a HUGE universe. There are so many things to know and to understand.. The more you explore the God's creation, the more you feel that there is more to it to explore. As they say, its a journey towards infinity...  It is made up of so many components, that there is no formula and no easy answers. Every person has to make their own path through life. There is no predefined path. Life cannot be settled by hard and fast rules. The right road for one might be wrong for another. In the life's journey, we don't have sign-boards, it's not all brightly lit, it can be very bumpy at times. Then, how do we choose the direction?? What do we do, when we are at crossroads??? Isn't it sounding very complex?? 

Perhaps, it is sounding complex because evolution has equipped us with a brain which is capable of thinking more than what is actually required..;) .. the way I am thinking right now...  I may end up making it more complex, the more I think. So....shall stop here!

The only solution is "Believe that we CAN make it simple", when we feel that it is getting complicated... We need to keep on simplifying it until it gets to the END. We can make it simple by accepting the fact that we don't have control over vagaries of life. What we need is an objective, a purpose and a belief.

The Spinning Arrows

"8 more hours".. "6".... "4".... "2"... "Half an hour more"... "Youhuu!!! Shift Hand-off. Week-off". I constantly looked at the spinning arrows in my watch (which seemed to be too slow). Not that I was very tired and not that I worked too hard...not that I have anything special to do this week-end... But I was waiting for a break.... Nine hours at work seemed to be unending...  "Why the time is running too slowly" has been my thought from quite some days, now. 

Contrary to the above thought, sometimes, I feel like time flies by. It seems just a few days back that I graduated from college and came to Hyderabad... and, now... its already been 4 years and 1 month that I'm staying here. 

Days go by and turns as months, months into years and years finally become our whole life.

Time takes its own time. Its never fast and never slow... Time is always on Time... ;)

One of my favourite childhood serial Mahabharat portrays time very well. Time says:

"Main Samay hoon. Mahabharat ke patra ye nahi jaante ki jo ho raha hai, wo kyun ho raha hai. Main Jaantha hun, kyunki main samay hun. main sab dekh raha tha, sab dekh raha hun aur sab kuch dekhta rahunga. Chup Chaap... Kyunki main Hastakshep nahi kar sakta, na hi aashirwaad de sakta hu... aur na hi shraap de sakta hu" ( I am Time. The characters of the epic, don't know, that why it is happening. I know. Because, I am Time. I have been and will be a silent spectator, because I cannot judge, I cannot bless and I cannot punish)

It is amazing to note that the reflections of these spinning arrows could turn into  musings on life. :)

THORN BUSH has ROSES.. :)

Coming back from office on a rainy day, I was waiting for auto. "Auto... Auto... JNTU" I screamed. "NO", he said arrogantly. Few more autos went by without even replying. Another Auto came "JNTU...".  He was kind enough to reply, "Madam, no one will go to JNTU today. Rain water has blocked that route. You have to take another route". I was already wet with the merciless rain. "Why didn't I take umbrella", I cursed myself and was looking for any kind lady who would offer to share her umbrella with me. Alas! there was none .... I was worried about my mobile being wet...  I ran towards the other corner of the road to check for other route. "Auto... Miyap..", Before I could say miyapur, seven people grabbed it and this auto ran away with flooded candidates on it. Few more autos went away that way. After half an hour or so, a bus came "MIYAPUR" on its board; overflowing with CROWD. I somehow managed to enter it. I cursed everything on the planet, starting from rain to roads to auto drivers to car owners to the crowded bus and to my company which has not provided transport facility. Reached my room after 2 and a half hrs of journey. 

I was tired and was still cursing... 

Bed time, before I sleep, is the time when I tend to flashback the day for once. Flashback told me:

 "You reached office at 11.30 am, 2 hours late; no one complained; very few people have the luxury to reach office that late; just after 2 hrs session, you went for lunch- You had a tasty Biryani with Gulaab Jamun; many people cannot afford these meals. You enjoyed half an hour near the lake in your company premises. It was all so beautiful and pleasant; Very few companies in India are such well built. You went back to work and enjoyed the training period and had fun with your colleagues. Coming back from office the hunt for auto started..... You cursed everything that was going wrong, but never blessed anything that was going right."

I reminded myself that I should thank God for what has been given to me. I questioned myself for not being able to see the positivity in things.. Why?? Why am I becoming so complaining day by day??? This is not the usual me... If I cant do anything, I should not complain and If I complain, I should have something to do for it. 

This life is full of so many things and yet so devoid of many others. The more we get, the more we want. There is this endless chain of wants... "I want good friends, good work, good workplace, good amount of money, nice food, nice place to live in, nice transport, etc, etc. "  We keep on complaining for what we have or for what we don't have. There is no period, no full stop!!

Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.

I am in my trials to come out of this complaining attitude and to get into the mood called POSITIVITY! Are you??

P.S : I initially titled it as "A figment from the lake of thoughts", but later changed it to "Thorn Bush has ROSES" upon suggestion from one of my friends. Because, this title gives the gist of my post. Received this title with thanks... :)

And then, Last Breath escapes my lips!

A lorry on the divider at cross roads trampled one of the pillars, a crushed bike was beneath it. I closed my eyes as I saw a broken helmet and blood flowing. The body was already taken out from the accident place, but the blood was still flowing. It was 5.30 a.m. when I happened to view this terrible scene from the window of my cab, while moving to office. There doesn't seemed to have any chances of the victim to be alive. I prayed for the soul. My mind was disturbed.
As the 8 hours in office passed, I kind of forgot the "View", and my shift ended well with a birthday celebration of one of my colleagues. I returned to the same cross-roads while walking towards my hostel. Lorry was no more there, crushed bike was no more there... the blood was cleaned up... but the broken helmet was still there, as if crying helplessly. Mind was disturbed again.
For two nights, the view of a lorry crushing a person brutally, haunted me like anything. No one knows what happens the next moment. One may or may not get the chance to think of God, while taking last breaths.

"Nothing in life is certain except Death." The quote reiterated in my mind.
Thanks to my colleague who gave me the link to this video. It gave me few answers to my unquestioned questions...




Lyrics are profound...
LAST BREATH
From those around I hear a Cry, 
A muffled sob, a Hopeless sigh,
I hear their footsteps leaving slow,
And then I know my soul must Fly!
A chilly wind begins to blow,
Within my soul, from Head to Toe,
And then, Last Breath escapes my lips,
It's Time to leave. And I must Go!
So, it is True (But it's too Late)
They said: Each soul has its Given Date,
When it must leave its body's core,
And meet with its Eternal Fate.
Oh mark the words that I do say,

Who knows? Tomorrow could be your Day,
At last, it comes to Heaven or Hell
Decide which now, Do NOT delay!
Come on my brothers let us pray
Decide which now, Do NOT delay!
Oh God! Oh God! I cannot see!
My eyes are Blind! Am I still Me
Or has my soul been led astray,
And forced to pay a Priceless Fee
Alas to Dust we all return,
Some shall rejoice, while others burn,
If only I knew that before
The line grew short, and came my Turn!
And now, as beneath the sod
They lay me (with my record flawed),
They cry, not knowing I cry worse,
For, they go home, I face my God!
Oh mark the words that I do say,
Who knows, Tomorrow could be your Day,
At last, it comes to Heaven or Hell
Decide which now, Do NOT delay !
Come on my brothers let's pray
Decide which now, do not delay ....

A Random thought!

We all have thoughts frequently popping-up in our minds. How much ever hard you try, sometimes they just don’t leave us.   You're doing something; but the mind works on its own thoughts many a times. Ever experienced the feeling of "I WANT TO SLEEP NOW! Hey, THOUGHTS! Please don't disturb me!"? 

Sometimes I do imagine myself opening the Task Manager of my mind and killing the process "Thought.exe", when I am actually fed up... And, if I'm feeling extremely bad for some reason, I imagine myself doing "Shift+delete" to permanently delete the sadness or bad thoughts associated with it. Or, if I am angry, just delete the anger to recycle-bin.  Sometimes, these funny things work and sometimes they don’t. It depends upon the WILL with which the suggestion is given to your mind. 

It may sound quite absurd for some, but being a windows system admin, I sometimes tend to implement a few things on my own system :)

I feel that when a man-made machine, computer has this option, how can the God's greatest creation - Man, does not have this option? We delete the unwanted files timely to keep our system clean. Why can't we do the same thing with our own human system - The heart and the mind? 

The thoughts come and go. If we thoroughly understand, a thoughtless state exists, but we are too much connected with thoughts, we either take too much interest in them or we hate them, and both are not too good for us. We should do a timely cleaning depending upon the threshold of the mind and the heart to take it up. In my opinion, this will result in a peaceful life... 

Any thoughts popping up after reading this??

Be Positive!

My Colleague and Friend - Sadiq said "Please don't write blogs any more" in a witty manner, as I was leaving office; and here I am! writing another blog.  From the time he said "Don't WRITE", my mind actually started framing what to write next.

It reminds me of a speech by the Great Dr. Abdul Kalam where he explains that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. He says that you cant visualise "not doing" something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualise that.

I have experienced that this is very true. I used to take tuitions for students of 6th to 9th standard. When I used to instruct my students "DONT MAKE NOISE", they made so much irresistable noise. Then, I decided to instruct "Keep quite", and it actually worked well. The same thing happenned when I used to play Volley ball in school days; The more my friends shouted "Don't drop the ball", the more likely, I used to drop the ball.. This happens because the brain first imagines "Dropping" and then tries to tell it not to do what it just imagined. Had they said, "Hit the ball hard" the result might have been quite different...

Be Postive, talk positive and positive things will come to you.. What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.