Scars and survival

It is not always that I don't have anything to write and it is not always time management concerns. Sometimes its just that I avoid personal things on blog. I have always avoided that. But in my hostel years, I really didn't have much personal things. Now that my life revolves around office and home with almost no ME time, the only things that come to my mind are personal. I fear of being judged. I don't want my family and friends to understand things which I may not mean at all. 

We all do this. Sometimes we hide our scars, our sobs and we silently weep being afraid of being judged. We hate saying that we are hurt. We pretend to be happy or become silent, not letting our feelings out.

We should be like children, cry our hearts out when hurt. And soon be happy with tiny things of life -a paper boat, a toy, a toffee or a story. 

When my son broke and dislocated his elbow bone, he was just a year and eight months old. The moment we were back from hospital after his surgery, he was back on his tricycle -all happy. He was on cast for the next four months. He cried when it pained, but soon shifted his mood to a happy one with a simple distraction trick.  Now after almost 2 years, the scar of some twenty stitches is still there. He still remembers how he fell from the slider in the park. But he is not afraid of using the slider. He shows off that scar to his friends with pride, "Look how strong I am!". When I heard him saying this to his friend, I scolded him, "It's not great to get hurt, Vishnu! You should be careful!", I said.

But on a deeper thought, may be this is what we should learn from kids. Scars are but a sign on strength and survival. Kids show their scars with pride. As we grow old, we hide them. Wounds become our secrets. For kids it is a story to tell- An accomplishment.

First Post of this Year & “PASSION”

As the time is ticking to reach 12, I feel the urgent need to update my blog. Only one post this year!! Not Done!! But alas! I could not complete it by 12, and hence renamed it as “First Post of this year”, instead of “Last Post of this year”. :)

As I queried on the topics that I can write today, I saw a few resolutions for next year, few articles on how to live life, and more about how we should do what we love and care nothing about the world. Passion - they say is very important. "Follow your Passion".  And, then I remembered “Tamasha” movie, which I have recently seen. I must say I am an Imtiaz Ali Fan. And, I have liked his movies. But when I watched this movie - I was like... Not Again Man!!! It’s quite exaggerated!  To hell with Passion!

At 30, when I look back at my three decades of existence, I ask myself - How passionate have I been? Do I love my job? Am I Happy? What do I want to do with my life?  

And, the answer is - the first 10 years of your life has gone in copying others. You did what you were told to do by your parents. You did what you saw in your society.  You did what your culture taught you. The next 15 years was spent in learning and finding your individuality to some extent. And, the rest 5 years have gone in commitments and responsibilities and Love…

The answer is - "Yes" and "No". I love my Job, but I also hate my job, sometimes. There are times when I am just not in mood to work. Life is like this. Life is not always like R.Madhavan's in 3 idiots or like Ved’s  in Tamasha’s ending. I am sure, had the story been real, Madhavan of 3 idiots must also be sometimes bored of clicking those wild animals in camera.  And, Ved of Tamasha will feel bored in telling the stories at some point of time, if not always. There is no “passionate” work that you will never get tired of and never complain about. And, that's ok. That’s life.

The answer is – It is OK to do normal work and pursue your passion in the free time, whenever you get a chance. You just don’t have to awkwardly continuously feel like the way Ved does in Tamasha. 

I sometimes feel that movies like these are creating the feeling of emptiness in people. People somehow somewhere connect with these characters and indulge themselves in these characters so much that they stop appreciating the average lives they have. Being Average as a Goal may not sound good, but being average as a result is OK. We should appreciate and accept the mediocrity of life and try to do the best from our ends. 

If you're passionate about something, it will be a part of you, no matter what priorities you have. You will take out time. Tamasha's Ved could have easily figured out a way to fuel his passion of story telling without having to leave his job security in a haste. Enjoy your passion. No matter if you earn money through it or not. Remember the Games period or recess time in school, when we used to jump with joy. 

With this note, I end my blog here - Wishing all of you a great year ahead. May we be able to appreciate the basic experiences of life - through the pleasures of simple friendship, helping someone in need, reading a good book, spending some time in your "passion" , and having a good talk with someone you care about, and acceptance of monotony in life. May you have all these. Happy New Year.

PAUSE -> THINK -> REFLECT -> RESUME

As mentioned in my last post, my idea was to take a pause from writing till I really feel like writing and till I really have something to write. Days passed by, Thoughts did come,  some events did occur which were thought provoking, but the thoughts  never weaved into sentences.  As they say, to be creative, one needs to be in a state of peace. And I was restless overworked and overwhelmed - with household chores to Official  work, with chit chat at home to gossip at office, with running behind my son to running behind my progress at work. Just like I took pause from writing,  I wanted to  take pause from everything, where I could put the rat race on hold.  
But then, it occurred to me that though "Pausing" is a great idea, but until and unless you think and reflect in that pause time, it is of no use.  And elongated pause is equal to dead. 

So, I decided to take pauses just like we take naps, with a resolution to take out time to think and  reflect on the big questions of life and bigger priorities of life.

This pause helps me to take out time to tune in to my inner wise self.
And my inner wise self told me "Stop being busy for a short while and Start being the one who you came to be." 
  
And one of the magical results is this post of mine. I found that extra hour, when I paused and the time slowed down for me to think, reflect and act, so that I resume to my daily chores with greater satisfaction.

"In life, the journey should be as interesting as the destination"
  
Wanna try it for yourself? Start by staring from the window of your cab or from the corridor of your home.. Close your eyes for a minute… and there you go… into the pool of reflections...

Saadda haq, Aithe rakh!!!

This song from Rockstar is one of the rarest songs, which has powerful set of lyrics with a magical musical blend of rebellious tone . Though the lyrics are simple, they are packed with a powerful punch of musical chords that show anger, frustration and hurt. Hats off to ARR's composition, Irshad Kamil's lyrics and Mohit Chauhan's voice.
(Lyrics/Meaning : Courtesy :Lyrics & Translation)

Tum logon ki, iss duniya mein
Har kadam pe, insaan galat
Main sahi samaj ke jo bhi kahoon
Tum kehte ho galat, main galat hoon phir kaun sahi (phir kaun sahi)
Marzi se jeene ki bhi main
Kya tum sabko arzi doon
Matlab ki tum sabka mujhpe
Mujhse bhi zyada haq hai
Saadda haq, aithe rakh

In this world of you people,
at every step, a human is wrong..
whatever I feel is right and say,
you call it wrong, if I'm wrong then who's right?Should I send you a request
for me to live with my own wish?
means you all have a right on me 
more than I do..
(it's) my right, put it here (give it to me)

Hey inn qataaron mein ya udhaaron mein
Tum mere jeenay ki aadat ka kyun gott rahe dum
Besaleeqa main, uss gali ka main
Na jis mein haya, na jis mein sharam
Mann bole ke rasmein jeenay ka harjaana duniya dushman
Sab begaana inhe aag lagaana
Mann bole mann bole, mann se jeena ya marr jaana

hey, in these queues,
or in credits,
why do you choke my habit of living..I am mannerless,I am from that street,
where there is no shame..
Heart says that..customs are compensation (like a fee here) for living,
this world is enemy n all belongs to someone else..
burn them..heart says..
heart says..to live by the heart, or die...

O eco-friendly, nature ke rakshak, main bhi hoon nature
Rivaazon se, samaajhon se kyon
Tu kaate mujhe, kyun baante mujhse iss tarah
Kyun sach ka sabak sikhaaye, jab sach sunn bhi na paaye
Sach koi bole toh tu niyam kanoon bataaye
Tera darr, tera pyaar, teri waah, tu hi rakh

O Eco Friendly,O saver of nature,I am nature too..
From customs,from societies,
why do you cut me off..
why do you divide me like that?
Why do you teach the lesson of truth
when you cannot even listen to the truth,
when someone speaks the truth
you start telling (giving) rules and regulations..
your fear, your love,
your praise..
you only keep..
keep them, damn it!

The lyrics say it all... The beauty of this song is that one can relate to it. We all have at some point in our lives felt that humiliation Somewhere, sometime, we all must have and continue to carry that helplessness feeling. That feeling could be due to the norms in the society, the legal proceedings, the politicians or the corruption or a dominating boss at work or even due to the misunderstandings among family members or friends. And a day comes when "enough is enough" feeling creeps in. And then revolution begins.

The Anna Revolution, the protests against the unfortunate evil night of December 16, Malala's fight for the right to education, these are just a few examples of the revolutions that took lime light. Every day a millions of revolutions must be taking place under millions of roofs all over the world. The revolutions succeed or not is again a different story... those revolutions provide a positive impact or negative impact on society is yet again a different story...

On the occasion of Independence day, I dedicate this song to all those unfortunate souls who silently weep the oppression and inner violence; who feel trapped and imprisoned, unable to express themselves; above all to women who have faced and continue to face harassment from the society who dictate and abdicate their freedom of choice.
And pray that everyone gets their Freedom; the right to express themselves freely without having the fear of being judged and to live the life with dignity and with peace.

The Mumbles inside me

Its been a long time since I wrote something.. No Diary, no posts, no notes... Nothing!
Today, I'm writing because I just want to continue writing. Feels like I lost the art of writing. Feels like I forgot how to make a diary entry...

There were too many happenings in my life in these 5 months to note down. My coming back to Delhi after 5 years, Marriage, my new family, Trip to Kerala with hubby, New boring workplace.. Some exciting things, some extremely boring things.. Some happy moments and a few brooding moments.. 
But I could not note down any of my thoughts.. because, precisely, I didn't get enough time to write down .. (Ok.. I didn't take out enough time). When you write a blog post, you have a thought that begins the process of writing, and that thought weaves on till it comes to a conclusion...  But when you have too many thoughts... that too very disconnected thoughts, how would you be able to conclude it in one post??? I have been mumbling to myself all these months, many thoughts which were forgotten soon after mumbling.

The most recent mumble today:
"Priorities change with Time" - Experiencing this itself is a kind of revelation...Revelation, that we need to learn to prioritize things and changes without changing the self completely... 
(P.S : U must have noticed in this post that my writing ability has drastically degraded.. :( I will try to keep writing instead of mumbling... )

My dear friend - Lost & Found

Alone I was waiting for you... Waiting for you to come back.... And you did come back...
I missed you dearly and solemnly. I remembered the first day I met you and hugged you. It was a fine evening on 15th of May, 2009. And, I just could not stop cursing the bad world outside which separated us. For a few days, I thought it was your demise and I will have to move on. I thought I lost you forever.... I never knew that every single snap and every favorite song and movie would seem like a painful reminiscence...  But my happiness knew no bounds when you came back... my friend, my guide... my dear DELL Inspiron Laptop.... !!! I lovingly named you "GRACE" and by His Grace, you did come back to me... Thank you.


Yes, Finally, My dear laptop came back to me after a long struggle... It was stolen from my room. I cursed myself for the fleeting second that I kept it reachable for the thief...  


Lessons that this episode taught me are:
1) When you lock your room, for God's sake don't put the keys in the window. It's more than foolish to do so...It's like putting your hand in the mouth of a hungry lion and asking it not to bite... 
2) S*** happens.
3) You just need to get a grip...
4) Nothing is immortal.
5) Gyaan is easier to give than to implement.
6) Don't worry of what happens next.. Even if nothing happens, at least you'll get experience..  (kyon darein Zindagi Mein Kya Hoga, Kuch Na Hoga To Tajruba Hoga)
7) The above point might sound like optimistic nonsense, but it is not. And, yes.. I still support the 5th point. ;)
8) Police and Court proceedings take a lot of time... you just need to have patience. (You might be wondering how police and court came into picture... Yes, the thief was caught by the police with my laptop bag and its belongings. When I went to the police station to take my belongings, I was told that I have to hire an advocate to claim that it's mine.)
9) You might want to kick the Judge and ask him "Are you NUTS???", when the only question he asks to give release orders is "What do you call laptop in Telugu?" and delays your case because you are clueless of what he is asking... I mean, how on earth is it a related question?.. Was he trying o be funny? It's not funny and that too when you are waiting for around 5 hrs, outside a magistrate court (which resembled more of a fish market) for a Lady to call your advocate's name and your name in a rather grumpy voice!! So... You might want to kick him... but you cannot! because he is the "honourable judge" and calling him nuts would be "contempt of court".
10) You always rely on friends and family. Nothing much you can do without their support. "I can do it all by myself" feeling is crushed and you need people around you, who are there for you... As the new airtel ad's song goes.... Har ek friend zaruri hotha hai.. :) :)

Complex Equations...

Remember the complex numbers in Mathematics??? The numbers which have real and imaginary part (a+bi). The methods for solving complex equations generally depend on the type of equation, both the kind of expressions in the equation and the kind of values that may be assumed by the unknowns/variables. 

Wait wait wait.... Before you stop reading further thinking that it a blog on complex equations of Maths, let me tell you that I'm not an ardent fan of Mathematics and this is surely not a mathematical blog... Its just that the general concepts that we learned in school seem fascinating when we relate it to our day to day life and understanding. 

Our life too is complex.. isn't it?? It too has both the real and imaginary part. REAL part can be understood as the GOAL, the purpose of our life and imaginary part--- perhaps, the emotions attached.. Maya as we say...

Life is simple or complex was the question in my mind. Many great people have said that Life is simple. 

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” - Confucious.

"Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing." - Oscar Wilde

I agreed to the quotes to much extent... But, when I think about it from another angle, I get the answer - Life is complex. How can life be simple?? God made such a HUGE universe. There are so many things to know and to understand.. The more you explore the God's creation, the more you feel that there is more to it to explore. As they say, its a journey towards infinity...  It is made up of so many components, that there is no formula and no easy answers. Every person has to make their own path through life. There is no predefined path. Life cannot be settled by hard and fast rules. The right road for one might be wrong for another. In the life's journey, we don't have sign-boards, it's not all brightly lit, it can be very bumpy at times. Then, how do we choose the direction?? What do we do, when we are at crossroads??? Isn't it sounding very complex?? 

Perhaps, it is sounding complex because evolution has equipped us with a brain which is capable of thinking more than what is actually required..;) .. the way I am thinking right now...  I may end up making it more complex, the more I think. So....shall stop here!

The only solution is "Believe that we CAN make it simple", when we feel that it is getting complicated... We need to keep on simplifying it until it gets to the END. We can make it simple by accepting the fact that we don't have control over vagaries of life. What we need is an objective, a purpose and a belief.

Coming out of the COCOON

"It's more of Brown coloured sweet water !!!", I frowned at the cup of Tea. 

"Ye tera ghar nahi hai jo tujhe Adrak wali kadak chai mile. This is Hostel (This is not your home, where you get Ginger Tea)", said Ranju quickly having her first sip.   

"There is a Tea stall nearby. Shall we go?", I asked.

"Nahi Didi.... Have you seen any girl having Tea there???", asked Preeti - The most girlie kind of a girl I ever met.

"No... but...", I thought for a while.

"Let's be the first ones to do that.", Ranju completed my sentence.

So... We went near the Tea-stall. Somewhere around 10 customers (all men) were there. 

"Bhaiyya, Teen Chai", I said. ... We felt that everyone there is staring at us with amusement. "Parcel", continued Ranju adjusting my request. 

We get the comfort zone only when we can't be singled out in crowd. Don't know why, but we girls (specially Indian girls)  tend to think more in this way.. We are perhaps to some extent brought up that way. We have to think a lot on "What will others think ?, Does it look good?" 

Going for shopping alone?? - Ahem... Is it that urgent? Let me wait for some company. 

Going for a movie alone --- AAh! that's completely insane...

Having Lunch/Dinner in a restaurant alone - Better I take parcel.

Wanna catch a bus? Gotto run?? - Most of the girlie girls prefer to wait for the next bus and walk in their standard speed. 

Want to play an outdoor game - Again, you seek for company, a proper park ( you don't really appreciate the thought of playing in the Gali.) Guys can play Gali cricket, but gals cant play in Gali (that's an unsaid rule). We all know that most of the girls after teenage give up playing outdoor games (there's  some exception, though). They loose interest because most of the times they don't get the right company... and it is hard to get such company in such society. 

I know some of my friends, who seriously depend upon their boyfriends / Brothers for the smallest of the daily needs that come across. We have this thick shell of the so called protection around us that coming out of it is a big deal. You get so much accustomed to it that you don't feel anything wrong in it, and in fact, you start liking it. 

I'm not talking about "Naari Shakti Zindabad" stuff. I'm not arguing that girls and boys are equally strong physically and mentally. 

I just want to say that women of 21st century should come out of the cocoon of stereotypes she is confined to, to some extent, if not fully. Come out from it slowly and steadily, if not at once. I just am pondering that to have a single cup of tea in a tea stall, you are bound to think.. WHY?? Is it because of the society we live in or is it my own "inside the box" thinking???

The Spider's Web

"Welcome to XYZ Broadband services" (someone told me that we should not use brand names in public.. SIGH!.... )

"Please press Star to continue" 

* Pressed

"Dear Customer, Your Account No is four nine two .... To confirm, please press 1"

1 Pressed

"For technical assistance, please press 1"

1 pressed

"Kindly be online, while we transfer you to the next available executive. Your call may be recorded for internal training and assessment purpose"

Irritating music starts...  After some time...

"All our executives are busy. Kindly be online. Your estimate hold time is ONE minute"

Irritating music starts again.. After sometime..

"All our executives are still busy. Kindly be online. Your estimate hold time is ONE minute"

==============================================================

Just imagine, how must I be feeling to hear this again and again..

I was drifiting along, like a log of wood in water, for quite some time now. Life had ceased to be eventful. Neither was I progressing in any sphere of my life, nor was there a regression. It was the same monotonicity, day in and day out.  Plus NO NET CONNECTION makes me feel disconnected... Plus 6 day working... plus as mentioned above "All our executives are busy - from Internet provider". 

"WORLD WIDE WEB" has become the need of the day. And it has become one of the strands in our web of lives... In these thoughts, the philosophical ME comes out. From world wide web, my thoughts weave to the web of life.

How interconnected things are in life... Everything is connected to everything else in an infinite Web of relationships. There are these infinite connections, like the one between me and the farmer who grew the rice I eat.

So, when we want to walk in our path through life with the intent of growing our spirit, we must do so with the understanding that we cannot do so in isolation. Only by working simultaneously to balance and develop all of our aspects and working to promote the growth and development of the energy that surrounds us, can we hope to achieve our maximum potential in this lifetime. And to attain this potential, we should be aware that it often requires a series of zigzag stages, each unfolding into the next. We never know where those first uncertain, even shaky, steps will lead us, but we don’t really need to know that when we start out. We just need to accept that there will be some point in the future when we will look back and see that we have new capacities, new boundaries, new courage, and a whole new worldview.

"Although it is made of thin, delicate strands, the web is not easily broken. However a web gets torn everyday by the insects that kick around in it, the spider must build it when it gets full of holes. " - E.B.White

And then, Last Breath escapes my lips!

A lorry on the divider at cross roads trampled one of the pillars, a crushed bike was beneath it. I closed my eyes as I saw a broken helmet and blood flowing. The body was already taken out from the accident place, but the blood was still flowing. It was 5.30 a.m. when I happened to view this terrible scene from the window of my cab, while moving to office. There doesn't seemed to have any chances of the victim to be alive. I prayed for the soul. My mind was disturbed.
As the 8 hours in office passed, I kind of forgot the "View", and my shift ended well with a birthday celebration of one of my colleagues. I returned to the same cross-roads while walking towards my hostel. Lorry was no more there, crushed bike was no more there... the blood was cleaned up... but the broken helmet was still there, as if crying helplessly. Mind was disturbed again.
For two nights, the view of a lorry crushing a person brutally, haunted me like anything. No one knows what happens the next moment. One may or may not get the chance to think of God, while taking last breaths.

"Nothing in life is certain except Death." The quote reiterated in my mind.
Thanks to my colleague who gave me the link to this video. It gave me few answers to my unquestioned questions...




Lyrics are profound...
LAST BREATH
From those around I hear a Cry, 
A muffled sob, a Hopeless sigh,
I hear their footsteps leaving slow,
And then I know my soul must Fly!
A chilly wind begins to blow,
Within my soul, from Head to Toe,
And then, Last Breath escapes my lips,
It's Time to leave. And I must Go!
So, it is True (But it's too Late)
They said: Each soul has its Given Date,
When it must leave its body's core,
And meet with its Eternal Fate.
Oh mark the words that I do say,

Who knows? Tomorrow could be your Day,
At last, it comes to Heaven or Hell
Decide which now, Do NOT delay!
Come on my brothers let us pray
Decide which now, Do NOT delay!
Oh God! Oh God! I cannot see!
My eyes are Blind! Am I still Me
Or has my soul been led astray,
And forced to pay a Priceless Fee
Alas to Dust we all return,
Some shall rejoice, while others burn,
If only I knew that before
The line grew short, and came my Turn!
And now, as beneath the sod
They lay me (with my record flawed),
They cry, not knowing I cry worse,
For, they go home, I face my God!
Oh mark the words that I do say,
Who knows, Tomorrow could be your Day,
At last, it comes to Heaven or Hell
Decide which now, Do NOT delay !
Come on my brothers let's pray
Decide which now, do not delay ....

Routine - sounds boring???

"Such a boring life!!!",I thought as I monitored the OS alerts at work. Same work, same cabin, same system, same cab, same room, same food every day... I'm bored of this routine and the repeated tasks.... I looked up and saw the roof of my office... "Eh! Fan is also not there", I thought.. I have this peculiar habit of looking at the rotating fan, whenever I feel bored. I closed my eyes, still head upwards, and my back rested on the chair. 
A question popped up from somewhere... "Is repetition and routine the key to life's boredom or is it the life's meaning?"  The question gave me a mild jerk and I sat straight. I was fully awake now.. I heard my heartbeats. It's repetition of the same beats throughout our existence. Our heartbeats, Our breathing, revolution of the Earth, the diurnal circles of the sun, everything needs repetition... My rotating fan too repeatedly rotates to make me feel the air... We need to sleep every day; we need to eat every day, etc, etc, etc.. ; and without undergoing all that repetition and routine -- we'll probably be dead.

My respect for the power of routine has increased dramatically after this episode.  I understood that most of the life is routine - sometimes it may be dull; but it is the momentum which keeps us going.