Preserving Relationships

Door bell rang when I was doing some work that afternoon. It was my neighbour who came along with her son, who is Vishnu's classmate. She informed me that Vishnu has hit her son and he is hurt, and that he has been fighting with him from quite sometime. Embarrassment is a small word which I felt at that time. I hugged the boy and apologized on Vishnu's behalf and promised him that Vishnu will apologize. Loads of gyan were given to Vishnu from each of the family member, that no matter what, one should never hurt the other person. He did apologize and did promise that he will not do it again. Week later, these two boys are now best of the friends, playing for hours together now. Now I asked this boy, " Is Vishnu still being mean to you? " He innocently lovingly replied, "aunty wo tho kabhi pareshan nahi karta mujhe... Us dinn tho sirf dhakka diya tha.. Galti se main gir gaya! " (Aunty, he is never mean to me. He pushed a little that day, and I fell off) . I laughed at the innocence and the cuteness with which he said it. Kids forgive and forget so easily. That's the beauty of childhood. 

Reflecting on these things, I realized, that as we grow old, we keep teing the knots in our hearts for things we feel offensive about. Kids have this "forgive" feature naturally, and we adults should consciously try to build that feature.  In this post, I will try to explain how we can consciously try to build it. 

The base of any good relationship is positivity, consistent communication and transparency apart from love which is a key ingredient. If any of these three arms is fractured, it is always possible to heal the relationship. There is always an alternative to breaking the relationship. We all must have gone through these scenarios. We are living in a world where we are not really good collectively at handling disagreements, talking about the hurt. We don't talk about forgiveness and we don't give chance to make mends in relationships. 

How do we make an attempt to save a relationship? 

Firstly, however hard it may sound, try to consciously build a LOT of compassion for that person and say to yourself "I know how it must have felt to them! Sometimes we take things too personally. Whatever they did or said is their narrative and it's their lens through which  they are seeing things. I never intended to hurt them (if they are hurt) or they perhaps never intended to hurt me(if you are hurt) ". So move out of defensiveness and build compassion. 

Secondly, reach out to them. Reaching out to make mends is a sign that you value the relationship. If you are the one who hurt the other person, apologize. You can keep the ego aside, give them the time they need and say that the doors are open from your side, acknowledging and communicating that whatever happened,  I still want to mend , I am still  here and I still believe that it can be repaired if you are willing to make it happen. They might not want to talk to you.  Respect their process and just be around to invite them to engage or participate in other conversations if they don't want to participate in that "big" conversations. Never shut the door. 

Build bridges not walls - Even if it doesn't work out the way you would want -you have built a bridge by saying that "This relationship means a lot to me and that if you are ever willing, I am here to rebuild the trust". In the end, if they have shut the doors from their end , the closure will still feel better in a way that you will feel that dignity, you showed up and you were willing to and are willing to. 

Remind yourself of the emotional investment that you have done before breaking it up.